5.24.2012

Life after miscarriage

I'm sure you all are tired of hearing about this. To some I'm sure this may seem like the most trivial thing, and that I should quit complaining. Some may even think that my baby wasn't even a "baby" yet so it shouldn't be a big deal. Rest assured these are only things I have read, not anything anyone has said to me, thankfully.
The reason I post about this so frequently lately, is because it really was one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through. I truly wanted a baby so bad. I know that I am young, and I know a lot of people think I'm too young, but I really could care less about what other people think. It doesn't mean they are right.
I know for a fact that women's calling is to have children. Whether it be in this life or the next, that is our calling, not something we make time for, but something that time is given to us for.
It is more important above all other "obligations" we feel we have in this life. It did take me a while to realize this. My husband so desperately wanted a baby, right from the start of our marriage. I however was unsure about the idea. I knew  I wanted a baby, but my concern was when the right time would be. I was nervous at the thought of being so young, and not having much experience in marriage. In the beginning I was even having a hard time coping with being so young and married; babies were far from my train of thought.
Then October came, and talks in General Conference, I almost felt were specifically written for me, were given. I listened to them with an open heart and an open mind. The spirit prompted me, Ashlee you need to have a baby. I was shocked at this revelation, and scared too, but  I thought maybe I'll try. I had mentioned my feelings to some, who nearly mocked me and told me I was too young, and that I would regret it.  Regret having a baby, really?
Yet, the very human part of me, who does in fact care what other people think on the matter, shied away from the thought.
Then December came, I was running low on my birth control, and had the prompting again. Stop taking the birth control, and have a baby. Once again I was nervous and pushed the thought away.
Then came January, and I witnessed my aunt giving birth to her baby girl. (read about that here.) That's when everything changed. That's when the switch went off in my brain telling me how absurd I was being, and how absolutely nothing else mattered any more. All those silly plans I had for myself flushed away. I had never had a stronger prompting in my entire life, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt what I wanted was a baby, and I was more than willing to try.
My husband on the other hand was starting to have a harder time with the idea, because of me telling him no so often. Finally the last of my birth control was out in March, I asked if he wanted me to get some more, and he told me no. We could finally try to have a baby.
I figured that it would take us a while to get pregnant. Most of the people I had talked to didn't get pregnant very fast; but we did. Most likely even as soon as I quit taking the birth control. I started experiencing all those symptoms, and in my heart I knew I was finally going to be a mommy. Once the test confirmed that, I don't think there has been very many moments where I have been happier. I really did love all of the symptoms, even if they hurt, even if they made me sick, emotional, tired, and angry. I loved it all, because I knew the blessing that would come from it.
Then came the miscarriage, and my heart hurt. Something that I had hoped and prayed for, something I felt so strongly about, and was even prompted to do, was quickly taken away. Everything changed so very quickly. The pregnancy symptoms faded as quick as they came, and my heart ached to have them back.
I did get an ultra sound, and was able to see my baby, but recently they haven't been able to find the only picture of my baby I will ever have here in this life.
It was almost as if none of it had ever happened. Like it was all a dream, and all I had left was the heartache that accompanied it.
Right after having the miscarriage, more trying things happened, some of which I don't feel inclined to talk about, but I felt as if the entire world had been placed on my shoulders. I think that happens with most of life's hardest trials, and I'm not sure, at the moment, that I can give a good reason as to why.
As hard as it's been, as much as I hurt, I do know that everything will be okay, it just takes time. The reasoning for me posting about this so frequently, is so that others who may experience this, will know they aren't alone. It's  because of other peoples stories and testimonies on the matter that I was, and am, able to get through. Trials aren't meant to be kept to ourselves. I know there are so many who say how sick they are of people complaining, but that's not the way that it should be. We should be there for others who are going through a hard time. We should be there for others, and be able to lift them up, and help them through their lives. We experience trials not for our own benefit, but to also help all the others who go through similar things. It's one of the most comforting thoughts in the world to know that you are not alone.
So yes, I will keep posting about this, and I'm sure over time the topic will grow quiet, but I'm willing to share my hardships so others out there, know that everything is going to be okay, and life will go on. Not that you should forget your baby, how you felt, or anything you experienced, but take comfort in knowing that one day  you will see them again.
There is life after miscarriage, as hard as it can be, and I know in my heart that everything will be okay. I hope any of you going through something similar can feel that same way too. 

5 comments:

celine said...

You are so brave for posting this. I believe that baby belongs to you and will return to you in this life or the next. Hang on, time makes the heart ache better and when you do finally get that baby you will appreciate him/her all the more. Believe in the plan girl, you did right.

Rachey Elder said...

Take your time Ash, you can't rush the healing process. You are a great example to others:)

Jake & Jenessa said...

Ashlee, its your blog post what you want/feel! It's what makes it all the more fun to read!

daisy k said...

You are so wonderful! Whether people are going through this trial now or never, your words are full of hope and comfort. And you are right... Trials aren't meant to be kept to ourselves. We have to trust that everything happens in its season.
Thank you for teaching me. I love you cute gal! xoxo

Kara said...

I love this - thank you for sharing, Ashlee. It strengthens my testimony and my understanding of the potential for trials to become strengths, which I think is something I forget far too often. Thank you!