Dear Baby post 2 Losing...

(This was a very real time of hurt. Right in the middle of all the pain I was feeling)

Dear Baby,
Yesterday I found out you might be leaving me.
I can't begin to explain the hurt/pain I've been feeling because of this. I know it's not your fault, and I don't blame God for it either. I know that He knows what's best for me, even if the out come is something I never wanted in a million years.
The minute I saw the blood, I began praying. Praying for a miracle. Right now I don't know if the miracle I was praying for will come, but you yourself are a miracle for coming to me for such a short amount of time. You've made me strive to be the best person I can be for you, and I already love you so dearly.
It doesn't feel fair... Seeing all the others post about their pregnancies, and how happy/excited they are. I know how it feels to be so happy and excited. It hurts so much to know that in just a few minutes everything in my life changed. Everything that I had been looking forward to, and hoping for... gone.
I guess I can't say gone... not until the test results come back... but I know how I have been feeling, and what my bodies been doing. I'm doing my best to not get my hopes up, because it's already so painful.
I want you so badly my baby. I wish I had a chance to know what your gender was... how you would have grown up, to feel your tiny hands wrapped around my fingers.
I've never felt a pain more strong. Yet, I've also never felt more love from our Father in Heaven before. I know that He has a specific plan, not just for me, but for you as well. I know that He knows what is best for both of us.
I'm glad I got to at least have a small glimpse of you yesterday. Even if it was brief. At least I know that it was real, for what short amount of time that it got to be real.
Right now, everything feels like a nightmare. I'm staring at the maternity clothes I bought, thinking of the free baby sling I got for mothers day. Wishing that I could change this so much. Wishing that there was something I could do to fix it all. I hate feeling so helpless.
You have already changed me baby, in so many ways. I will never forget you, I will always love you, even though I  may never get to meet you here on this earth, I know that some day I will see you. I know that you will be our angel on the other side, cheering for us as we go through this thing called life.
I will always love you my angel,
Love your mommy

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