Becoming Me

Since September I've been in a constant struggle to figure my life out. I had no idea where it was taking me, or if I could even handle the direction I was headed in. Fast forward to December, and I was a wreck. It felt like I couldn't see straight. I described it to my therapist once like being in a room with all white walls. There are no doors or windows, nothing but the white walls. It felt like I was sitting in a chair in this room staring at the exact same walls, and not being able to move or do anything. I wasn't allowing myself to move on. I would try and pretend I was, so the rest of the world would think that I was strong and tough, and not question me all the time, but it wasn't the case. My head was filled with doubts, sadness, and a hurt that was all consuming. It wasn't until a complete mental break that people finally started to see maybe I didn't have it as together as I had made it seem. Luckily, my parents came to the rescue and did everything they could to help patch up the broken person that I was. I started seeing a therapist (finally) and she helped me see in a different light. She told me to get out more, and do more of the things I loved to do. 
At first this was difficult, I didn't really know what I loved to do anymore. I didn't really know who I was any more. It was a scary thought at the time, but then I started to use it for my benefit. I started doing things for me. Things that I knew I had always wanted to do but never got around to. I bought my dream car (reasonable dream car) a blue VW beetle, I started taking singing lessons, I planned trips, I started to attain my fitness goals. Rather than wallowing in misery at home and medicating myself with hours of netflix, I started picking up pieces of my broken self, and put them back together. It took a little while, but I started to see a new girl emerge the more I put myself out there and reached my goals. This new girl wants to experience life to the fullest. She wants to adventure, and feel... free. 
The first wave of heartache is over. I am finally starting to heal. So many people think they need someone to make them happy, and if they don't have someone they can't be happy, but that isn't true. You have the power to make yourself happy. If you have a mental illness that can be hard, but getting the help you need is the first step to being able to be happy again. I have decided to recreate myself into the person that I want to be. Someone who can be strong on their own without having to have someone to make me happy. Once I get to where I need to be, maybe down the road there will be someone who can be there to lift me higher, but I don't want someone to pick me back up. I want to be able to do it myself, and I'm going to do whatever it takes to get there. I'm going to be my own hero this time.

1 comment:

Kim Gazaway said...

Ash, that is truly wise! I'm so proud of you for getting help and being courageous enough to try!