10.19.2012

My thoughts on babies

Some may be wondering what happened to all the talk of babies, that seemed to stop about six months ago. Half a year. Can you believe it's been that long? I realize I have been silent on this topic, and some may be scratching their heads. Or maybe you're not.... either way I'm going to talk about it.
After my miscarriage, and I mean right after, I was ready to jump back on the baby boat as soon as possible. I was anxious and just wanted to be back where I was, thinking that would help heal me.
The doctor told me to wait until my next period to flush out all the excess stuff in my body, and then I could try again.
As I was waiting, week after week, my head started to fill with new fear. What if it happens again?  The closer I got to starting my period, the more that fear grew. I was terrified.
Could I really handle that pain again?
I had my period, and the fear did not go away. Just continued to grow. To the point that I just couldn't think about it any more because it would stress me out too much.
And that was how it stayed. I wasn't actively trying not to have a baby either. I decided I would let Heavenly Father make that decision for me. Because really, if he wants you to have a baby, he will find a way, no matter when you think is the right time or not.
I started hearing more and more talk of pregnancy, especially recently. That sure started to tug at my heart strings when I realized I would only have two months left to go. I would almost be there. 
I am a firm believer in having faith in the Lord's timing. He has a reason and timing for everything. If you listened to general conference President Eyring spoke about this.

" Although His time is not always our time, we can be sure that the Lord keeps His promises. For any of you who now feel that He is hard to reach, I testify that the day will come that we all will see Him face to face. Just as there is nothing now to obscure His view of us, there will be nothing to obscure our view of Him. We will all stand before Him, in person."

This talk spoke to me so much. More than you can even know. I'll admit I had a lengthy period of doubt. I kept asking why me. Why did this have to happen to me? Was I not worthy enough to have a child? Did God not trust me? I would get these feelings especially when I read blogs of other pregnant women, saying they were " So glad God trusted them with a baby, and didn't let anything go wrong."
Were they saying He didn't trust me?
My heart started to grow cold. I was sad, and angry. I couldn't understand why my life had gone so  much differently than I had planned.
Pregnancy only seemed a dream. Something that wasn't quite real, and not something that I could attain.
I'm not proud of this. I really am not, but it happened, and I think a lot of us go through that period of "why me?"
Why am I not dating or married? Why can't I have children? Why do I feel so alone? etc.
They are all valid questions, but they're not helpful to you. The more you ask "why me" the more you start to question God, and His timing.
The Lord is all knowing. He has a time and a reason for everything that happens. Yes, a lot of the time we do not know why he has made that decision, but I don't believe it wasn't for a purpose.
The fact that I was even having these feelings, I think was obvious I had some things to work on. I needed to build my faith in my Heavenly Father, and strengthen my testimony.
I was pushing myself farther away from Him rather than closer, which is where I always want to be.
I don't believe that Heavenly Father didn't trust me to have a baby, I do believe that He did not feel it was the right time. Because of this I'm rebuilding my relationship with Him, and asking Him to guide and direct me where I need to go.
I'm starting to find new things every day that are exciting and interesting to me. What's more is, I have the potential to do all these knew things that I never thought I would be able to do.
I know that God knows what is best for me, and He is the one who knows when the right time will be for our little family.

"Our Heavenly Father sees our real potential. He knows things about us that we do not know ourselves. He prompts us during our lifetime to fulfill the measure of our creation, to live a good life, and to return to His presence.
Why, then, do we devote so much of our time and energy to things that are so fleeting, so inconsequential, and so superficial? Do we refuse to see the folly in the pursuit of the trivial and transient?" -Uchtdorf 

So no at the moment I am not actively trying to have a baby. I won't be mad if it happens either, nervous yes, but I trust my Father in Heaven and His plan for me. I will do what He wants me to do, and will do so willingly. 



3 comments:

Team Armstrong said...

I know these feelings all too well unfortunately. I think of it less like it wasn't the right time and more like it was the right time for that precious baby to do the job that it was supposed to do and be able to get on to protecting your family from heaven. When i got pregnant i had a dream (Sorry if this weirds you out) in my dream there were two little kids that sent this baby to me and said "say hi to mommy for us" and i woke up and realized that they were my angels watching over me and helping take care of our family. I think they are closer than we realize. I know its scary to put yourself out there again but i know that you are strong! Enough preaching from me today lol. I just love you and care what you are going through and want to be there for ya. Hope this comment makes at least a little sense even though it feels like i ramble on.

Rachey Elder said...

I love your positive outlook Ash. You will be an amazing mom to some lucky lil ones in the future! Love ya girl.

daisykaye said...

Love you Ash! You are such a great example to all. Having the faith you have, is such a special gift - don't take it for granted for a second :)