April 14, 2012

(I decided to make this post happen because it was real, and it was already written before anything happened. Since this is my blog and my story, I think it has a right to be told. I'm sorry if you don't agree with that. )

I don't want to forget this feeling, so I'm putting it down the best I can into words, even before anyone can see it.
We're pregnant.
 It's so strange saying that right now, it really hasn't hit me quite yet. We've been trying for about a month, if that even. I still think that I could be farther a long though. We're going to make an appointment to find out.
I started having a feeling I was pregnant sometime last month. The ladies weren't feeling themselves, and I just felt weird. We took a test and it came back negative. It was so disappointing.
Then this month as symptoms progressively got stronger and stronger, I had a feeling I needed to take a test. I was extremely crampy, like I was going to have my period but it never came. Once again the ladies were feeling very sensitive, and I was just kinda feeling yucky. I wanted to wait though, just to see if I got my period or not. I wasn't sure when I was supposed to have my next period since I had been off of the birth control, so I gave myself and allotted time frame.
Last night Oran was saying that I was being more moody than usual (nice right) and that he really wanted me to take the test. I think he was just starting to get antsy. I told him I would take the test, but that I was scared that it would be negative again. So as per usual we were watching our nightly King of the Hill (our favorite show) and I decided since I had to pee I would go take the test. I went in the bathroom, very nervous, and unwrapped that little stick. I stared at it the whole time after I had finished. Almost immediately, instead of a straight line, a plus sign started to emerge. I started shaking.
 Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh.
 I started to giggle, nervously. I walked into the other room, and showed Oran the stick. "Well, we're pregnant." He looked confused at first, as if he didn't understand what I had just said, then as he studied the stick a goofy smile spread across his face, "Shut up." He then pulled me in for a hug, and I burst into tears. "Why didn't you tell me you were taking it?" He said. I laughed telling him the whole reason I took the test was because he told me to. What a silly guy.
I decided that we needed to be ultra positive and that we should take two tests, just in case. We had to run to the store to grab the other test, but while we were there we found a good way to surprise our parents. We grabbed two pink shirts that said "What happens at grandma's, stay's at grandmas," and we grabbed a picture frame about grandchildren for my dad.
When we got home I took the second test, and of course, once again that plus sign was there in all of its glory.
We told Oran's mom, and grandma first because we were having a family get together today (for a baby shower, how ironic.) We videoed his moms response which was great. She was so excited.

Then once we left the baby shower, we went over to my parents to surprise them. We ended up making some fake game, and gave them their presents that way.  I was so, so nervous to tell my parents. My mom's been telling me since we got married she is too young to have grandchildren. They were both very excited though. I loved how absolutely shocked they were, and how my dad kept saying how cool it was. My little sister absolutely can't wait to be an aunt. She was in such a bad mood until she found out then she started dancing around the kitchen immediately after.

It's all so surreal to me. I feel so small and inadequate, and just hope that I can be the best mom I can be. I'm so scared, not really in a bad way, just in a, not-so-sure-what-to-expect-way.
I know that I am doing what my father in heaven wants me to do. I've had some pretty spiritual experiences telling me that it's what I need to be doing.
This pregnancy is going to be hard, I'm going to have to be so very careful with my diet. Any mess up could seriously be fatal to my growing baby. I got a beautiful blessing tonight, though, from my husband, and it really helped make me feel like I could do this. I know I can do this, and I know that it will be so worth it.
I honestly could care less about what people think. Ya, I'm one of "those" girls. Get over it. I would much rather be one of them, doing what my father in heaven prompted me to do than anything else in the world, and who knows this could be my only chance having a baby with my disease. I'm hoping that it isn't but if it is, then I'm happy with our decision.
I cannot wait for all that is in store for us, and I'm so excited. Maybe once we go to the doctor it will help all of this sink in, but for now just wish us luck!
I'm going to catch some shut eye so the babe, and I can be happy in the morning.


Alea said...

I think your disclaimer at the top of the post is totally unnecessary... Yes it is your blog and yes I'm glad you posted it!

Why is it that miscarriage is so often hushed and ignored? Your baby was real, your joy was real, your pain is real... I'm so sorry that you are going through this trial. I don't understand why it happens at all, but I do know that Heavenly Father loves you and is aware of you. I don't understand his timing either, but faith is an amazingly powerful thing, isn't it? You are so strong.

Jenessa said...

i'm glad you posted this, just so we can feel what your feeling when it happened, and than also to put in perspective the miscarriage. Love you Ashlee!

Beka said...

this needed to be posted. thank you. You are amazing and I know you and Oran will be great parents when that time comes!

daisykaye said...

<3 What a great post... I love the reactions of everyone - your mommy brought me to tears!! Well so did you.... Happy Mothers Day to you Ashlee!! Loves and Hugs xoxo