A little struggle.

Sunday was a wonderful day, aside from the fact that I was ill. (Shocker huh?) Even though I felt like I had been hit by a bag of bricks, I knew I had to get up for this sunday. Why? Because L. Tom Perry was going to be speaking to our stake today. I was giddy with excitement. I have never really been close to an apostle. One time I saw President Hinckley run the olympic torch, but other than that... nothing.
We went an hour early and we were still stuck in the hard metal chairs. I was kinda peeved when I saw people who had come who weren't even in our stake, but I'll be nice, I would've wanted to hear too.
We listened to three excellent talks. One by our stake president, two by the president of the Timpanogas temple, and then of course L. Tom Perry.
Afterward I went up and shook his hand. I felt pretty awesome. I debated whether or not I should wash it... but I'm a health nut so of course I had to. (ewww.)
After church I practically layed down and died. I didn't move from the exact same spot for hours. It was awful. All I could think about was the blood test results I was waiting for. We were all concerned it  would be pretty serious I'm not going to lie to you. I had to think about a lot of things that would have to change, in the case that it were serious.
I know I recieved a lot of prayers, I could feel them, and I'm so thankful for all those who did.
On monday I waited all day for the news. Still too sick to do anything. My greatest fear was that they wouldn't find out what was wrong with me. It's happened many times before. It was literally months before they diagnosed me with Celiac. It's terrifying not to have an answer for why you're feeling so badly.
Finally the phone call came around 6 o clock Pm. I ran to the phone when I heard it ring. When I picked it up the docs voice was on the other line. Sadly... he didn't have anything to tell me. My fear was confirmed. All he said was I have CMV. A virus that apparently stays with you your whole life. (just one more thing to add on to the list of things that are floating around in my body. I think it's becoming a hotel.) Other than that he said he couldn't help me. He also mentioned he thought my diet could have something to do with it. Because I'm not getting everything I need. Too bad I can't do anything about that. He told me if the problem persists to come back.
The knews didn't answer any of my symptoms, barely explained why I feel so awful all of the time, and I'm still left wondering.
I was a little devestated I admit. Devestated and relieved. Relieved it wasn't something extremely serious. Devestated I still don't know what it is.
I felt really helpless. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I basically shut myself in my room for the rest of the night watching my favorite chick flicks, consumed in thought. Soon enough everything I could possibly think of came to mind.
Especially the big decisions I'll have to be making in the next year. My best guy friends are leaving on missions. Now before I say anything don't think for a second I don't want them to go, I'm so so so excited for them. But they have been such a blessing to me. My whole life I've struggled with friends, but with them I'm always sure. I know those boys would do anything for me. They're wonderful friends, but they'll be gone soon.
The ones who are staying here, are well, staying here. I'll quite possibly be leaving soon. Of course I want them to go and do wonderful fun things in their lives, but the other night I realized, they'll be moving on without me. Probably all move in together, have a party. I'll be gone, on the other side of the country, by myself. Brings up all the times I'm going to miss, all the memories, and I started to get scared.
I know thinking about all these things in one night was probably not a good idea. I'll admit I cried a lot, but I also prayed, and even though I fell asleep not feeling comforted, I woke up with a new understanding.
I just need to leave everything up to God, and He will direct me where I need to go. Sometimes the hardest decisions are the right ones to make.
I shouldn't be scared of life moving on without me, because it's only just starting to begin! Don't get me wrong I'm still down about the whole thing, and still super unhappy I don't have any answers regarding my health, but I know if I trust God everything will work out for the better.
For right now that's all I need.

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