What do you see?

Yesterday was a calm day. I reflected on the beauty of this world. It was stormy and peaceful at the park. The fall leaves were coming in beautifully and the rain made my curls fall flat. I strolled down a path, next to a river, and heard the rushing of the water. I pulled my camera out and felt it my duty to show others the beauty in this world that at often times can seem so dreary, especially on a rainy day.

I'm sure that at times this world can seem a terrible place. It is in these moments of reflection, we come to find the wonder of this world that God has created for us. We choose to see the beauty in this world. We choose to be happy or sad. We choose to only the see the rain clouds, or the rainbow that springs from them.

What do you see?

Aggravated

I'm gonna just throw this out there. Can I throw this out there? Don't care I'm going to.
I, for the longest of times, have been somewhat chastised for having been so young when I was married.
I was two months shy of being 19, so yes, still very young.
When I graduated high school my plan wasn't to get married. In fact, as I've mentioned here before, it was the furthest thing from my mind. I had many plans that were on my brain far from being married.
But I met my husband, and that changed everything. I knew that I loved him, I prayed about it asking if it was the right thing. At first I thought I would want us to date a long while before getting married. Then I realized that waiting so long especially when you are thinking about marriage, is a really bad idea.
Temptations definitely arise in that aspect. So after discussing everything with my Father in Heaven, I knew exactly what I wanted to do.
No it hasn't always been easy being married so young. I am the first of my friend group, and still am. That was definitely hard.
I've had plenty of people tell me how young and naive that I am/was. Tell me that I'm not enjoying the time that other people my age are. Point blank I've had a lot of people tell me their opinions.
For the record.  I'm tired of people telling me how they think I should have run my life.
It's my life is it not?
It was my decision was it not?
You're right it was, and I don't need people telling me that I made a mistake when I've already been married for a year and a half.
And also I don't think that I've made a mistake. I have learned so much about myself in the past year and a half that I don't think I would have learned had I not taken the path that I am on. I've grown so much, been through a lot of trials, and have come out stronger each and every time.
And I'm happy. I'm happy what I'm doing, I'm happy being me, and I'm happy being where I'm at.
No I am not going to frat parties at college, having girly friend roomates, hanging out with different guys all the time, or out until 5 in the morning.
Want to know what I am doing?
Going to the temple, as an endowed individual, decorating my home (which is something I always have loved doing and have wanted to do), I have my own adorable dog, I'm working on my photography and getting lots of photo opportunities, I have an amazingly supportive husband, who I know always loves me. There isn't ever that insecurity about whether or not a guy likes me, or who I will go on a date with next, or how lonely that I am. That doesn't exist. I have a man at home who loves me, and we have tons of fun together. He has pushed me out of my comfort zone and made me branch out, which I don't think I would've been able to do had I not met him. He got me to try out for a play, which is something I have always wanted to do but never had the guts. Now I'm going to call backs for that play on Saturday, and I'm ecstatic. Even if I didn't make it, I'm glad that I was able to have the courage to try.
I see my friends when I want to, I go on girls trips with them, I get to go on vacation with my best friend, and I can stay out as late as I want if I truly feel like it.
I am really truly finding out who I am as a person in this big old world, and I like where I'm at.
I'm not a party girl, I hate having to be around fake people all the time, and that's not how it is here.
I think that people should really keep their opinions to themselves when they really don't know what they are talking about. They're not me. They don't know my life. They don't know what goes on or how I feel about the whole thing, and it is my life. Not theirs.
I don't care if you sit quietly (quietly being the key word) and judge my life how you want, but I don't need your opinion. Thank you.

Reflection

I've made a great decision.
Would you like to know what that is?
No? Don't care I'm still going to tell you.
My blog is never ever going to turn in to something to "appease" to those who read it.
I'm sorry. I do love whoever still reads this here blog, but really it is my blog, and I'm going to be real.
I haven't journaled since December of last year... Really sad but true. This is my place for my feelings, a place for me to express my heart, my desires.
If you are looking for meaningless posts about nails clothes or hair styles, you are in the wrong place.
BUT that doesn't mean that stuff will never be post.
If I feel it is relevant to MY life, then you can find it here.
Or if I feel as though it might inspire or up lift others, you can find that here also.
So I'm going to go on and post a bunch of my vacation photos.
I'm going to make short films of my life because I enjoy it.
I'm going to express my heart, when I need to vent.
I'm going to write silly things on occasion because that's who I am. 
This blog will forever more be,
a reflection of me.

Living under a rock... not really though.

Having no internet is the suck. It shouldn't be... but it is. Hopefully that problem will be fixed soon. Just know that I have no abandoned those of you who read, I promise. Life will get less hectic once next week is over... hopefully!

Tired

Here I am!
I'm still alive, but only just barely.
I'm tired.
In every sense of the word I'm tired.
Tuesday was Orange's birthday.
Man, did I spoil him.
It was a really great day though.
Tonight we hung up some things in the new place and moved some furniture.
We will be out by Friday.
It seems so crazy to me that this is all happening;
but it is.
I know you all are probably sick of hearing about moving, but I don't care.
& soon I won't be talking about it that much more anyway.
Now, I think I will sleep.
(hope you enjoyed that scatter brain of a post, but like I said I'm tired. Expect more out of me soon though.)

Moving

Change is hard for me. As is leaving some place I call home. I love my dear apartment so much. I can't even explain it to you. I love having that small corner of the world we can call ours. That place that is a safe haven. We've made so many memories in this place, and met some amazing people. I really hate to go, but alas this is happening.We've already got a sweet couple moving in who we really like. I know they will be someone who appreciates this place as much as we do. This was our first home... all of our married lives takes place in this apartment. I definitely will never forget it.

Here is to a new adventure for both of us.

A fresh start

It's weird being jobless, and not having a plan other than, Hey! We're moving. I've had a job continuously for over two years (don't judge) and it's hard to comprehend the free time. It has however given me a lot of time to think, as I pack up the things we have accumulated over a years time. So much has gone on in just a small amount of time. My life has changed in many ways that I never expected. I guess that's kind of what happens when you grow up. Not everything you planned on when you were younger is going to happen. It's obvious I'm probably not going to be a homicide detective/forensic scientist/interior decorator/writer/photographer/PA in the ER/cover artist/rockstar. Although, when I was younger, I really thought that I could do all of them. & ya know, maybe if I worked my little patootie to the bone I could. That's not exactly what is on my agenda though.
In truth, I'm not really sure what is on my agenda any more. I've never had anything like this before; a clean slate. A place to start a-new. It's a good feeling, yet a scary one as well.
I've realized for far too long, I have let fear run my life. The fear of change, the fear of being rejected, the fear of not being good enough. I let people's opinions affect me way too easily, and am terrified that I'm always being judged, and maybe I am. But that really doesn't matter does it? So often my mind tells me that is true, that people's opinions do matter, but if I take a moment to sit back, and have a deep conversation with my heart, it tells me that isn't true.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent," Eleanor Roosevelt once said. She has always been someone I adored, because she always seemed so fearless, strong, and confident. That's a person that I would like to be some day. That isn't the case with me currently, but it is definitely something I'm trying hard to work on. I'm done with letting the opinions of others dictate how I live my life. I want to live my life the way I want to live it. I'm going to believe what I want to believe because it's what I feel is right. I'm not going to let other people's opinions affect me, and I will try my best to not let my opinions affect others as well. Too often, especially here on blogs, we mock  things that people do.
You like that band? You wear those shoes? You like that shirt? You write that way?
When you feel a certain way, it's hard not to share your opinion on the matter, but if we really sit back and think about how what we're saying might make someone feel unwelcome by you,  or unaccepted, it shows things in a new light.
Obviously I've made some mistakes in the past, and have done this before, but that doesn't mean I condone it. I believe that we are all human, we all make mistakes, and we all do things that at time might make others feel inferior, and though no one can feel inferior without their own consent, as Eleanor said, that doesn't mean we can't make a conscious effort to take care to not hurt one another feelings.
Life is too short, and it goes by so quickly. I'm already learning this, at a young age. I'm so very far from where I want to be, but I'm willing to try and work on being that person I've so longed to become. I gain strength from my Father in Heaven daily, and ask Him to lead me where He would want me to go. I know for a fact that if I let Him direct my life, I have no reason to fear the paths that I go down, for He is with me.
So here I am, with a clean slate, ready to find my place, my purpose, and my duty. I don't know for certain what that is yet, but I know in time it will come. I'm ready to start new. I'm ready to rid myself of the things that make me unhappy, the things that thwart my progress at becoming a better me. They're not worth the effort to keep in my life. Slowly, but surely, you will see a change in me. This I can promise you. I'm hoping that change will just be for the better.

Something of an update.

It's been a little bit since I've written anything about what's going on with me.
So, hello friends! Here I am! I'm still kind of alive. A lot of stuff has been going down though.
For one, I have to gloat about my father in law a little bit. I didn't write about him on father's day, but I really needed to.
We went up to his home in SLC on Sunday, to wish him a happy fathers day, and what does he do? He gives me one of his older mac computers. It was such a blessing because our laptops were having some major issues, and I was super stressed about getting all the photos I need to edit done.
He's a pretty awesome guy, and can you believe he gave me a present on father's day? Yeah neither can I.

I photographed a wedding yesterday, and they gave me these beauty's to brighten up my desk, and my new lovely computer. The wedding was beautiful, fun, and I got to talk to a lot of great people.

Oh and I have been doing many photoshoots, and lots of editing, as I mentioned before. I can't wait to share them all, but I'll be really busy.

I quit my job, because, wait for it....

We're moving!

Ahh. And that's all thanks to my mother in law too! Geeze I have awesome In-Laws.  More about all of that to come soon, but for now these small details will have to suffice.

Maxi maxi MAXI!!!!!

Okay, in the fashion world, many  a times I have said I would never wear certain things. One of those things is maxis, and ponchos.... I never will EVER wear those disgusting things. Anyway, the reason for me not wearing a maxi skirt was just because I thought since I am ridiculously short that I would look terrible in a maxi skirt.
Then my mother bought one and it was so cute I had to steal it from her.
Guess what?
I love maxis.
That's it; a simple straight up answer. They made my fashion life complete. They are extremely comfortable, pretty, and I think I could wear one every single day and be oh so happy.

 

Did I feel like a freak while twirling around waiting for the camera to catch me? Yes. Was it fun? You betcha. I giggled like a little girl.

 

Plus... they make my butt look awesome.

 So I caved. I went and bought my own maxi. Not a skirt but a dress. I have yet to find a decently priced Maxi skirt, and I'm thinking I should probably just make one myself.

 

Boob shot... I know... Sorry, but I really wanted to show off me necklace.

So there you have it... I love Maxi's. Go and get yourself one right now!

Dear Baby post 2 Losing...

(This was a very real time of hurt. Right in the middle of all the pain I was feeling)

Dear Baby,
Yesterday I found out you might be leaving me.
I can't begin to explain the hurt/pain I've been feeling because of this. I know it's not your fault, and I don't blame God for it either. I know that He knows what's best for me, even if the out come is something I never wanted in a million years.
The minute I saw the blood, I began praying. Praying for a miracle. Right now I don't know if the miracle I was praying for will come, but you yourself are a miracle for coming to me for such a short amount of time. You've made me strive to be the best person I can be for you, and I already love you so dearly.
It doesn't feel fair... Seeing all the others post about their pregnancies, and how happy/excited they are. I know how it feels to be so happy and excited. It hurts so much to know that in just a few minutes everything in my life changed. Everything that I had been looking forward to, and hoping for... gone.
I guess I can't say gone... not until the test results come back... but I know how I have been feeling, and what my bodies been doing. I'm doing my best to not get my hopes up, because it's already so painful.
I want you so badly my baby. I wish I had a chance to know what your gender was... how you would have grown up, to feel your tiny hands wrapped around my fingers.
I've never felt a pain more strong. Yet, I've also never felt more love from our Father in Heaven before. I know that He has a specific plan, not just for me, but for you as well. I know that He knows what is best for both of us.
I'm glad I got to at least have a small glimpse of you yesterday. Even if it was brief. At least I know that it was real, for what short amount of time that it got to be real.
Right now, everything feels like a nightmare. I'm staring at the maternity clothes I bought, thinking of the free baby sling I got for mothers day. Wishing that I could change this so much. Wishing that there was something I could do to fix it all. I hate feeling so helpless.
You have already changed me baby, in so many ways. I will never forget you, I will always love you, even though I  may never get to meet you here on this earth, I know that some day I will see you. I know that you will be our angel on the other side, cheering for us as we go through this thing called life.
I will always love you my angel,
Love your mommy

June

I can't believe that it's finally June. May was the longest and hardest month of my entire life. I don't know how I survived... but I did. I'm here, and I'm stronger than I was. It's been exactly a month since the start of losing my baby. I can't believe that it's been a whole month...
Yet, I am keeping my head up. June will be a good month if I have anything to say about it. This month, I'm going to work on being the person I want to be. I'm going to remain strong even if times get tough, and I'm going to trust my Father in Heaven with everything that I do. I will be positive, and focus on the good things that are in my life, because there are many. I'm so blessed in so many ways, and I need to work on being more thankful for all the wonderful things I have been given.
In June, I will be happy. My first priority is going to be making my husband, and myself happy, and then the rest will follow.
I'm thankful to all of you for showing so much love and support to me. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it, and how much I absolutely needed it. Without any words of encouragement, I don't know how I would've made it.
So many people shared some of their own personal and inspirational stories, on the subject of losing their child. They proved to me that it was possible to make it through, even after something hard happens. I want to thank everyone who shared something so deeply personal with me, to help me make it through.
I have an amazing support system, and I will be forever grateful for everyone who made an effort to help me a long this long and hard road.

Today is a new start. Here's to happy.

Life after miscarriage

I'm sure you all are tired of hearing about this. To some I'm sure this may seem like the most trivial thing, and that I should quit complaining. Some may even think that my baby wasn't even a "baby" yet so it shouldn't be a big deal. Rest assured these are only things I have read, not anything anyone has said to me, thankfully.
The reason I post about this so frequently lately, is because it really was one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through. I truly wanted a baby so bad. I know that I am young, and I know a lot of people think I'm too young, but I really could care less about what other people think. It doesn't mean they are right.
I know for a fact that women's calling is to have children. Whether it be in this life or the next, that is our calling, not something we make time for, but something that time is given to us for.
It is more important above all other "obligations" we feel we have in this life. It did take me a while to realize this. My husband so desperately wanted a baby, right from the start of our marriage. I however was unsure about the idea. I knew  I wanted a baby, but my concern was when the right time would be. I was nervous at the thought of being so young, and not having much experience in marriage. In the beginning I was even having a hard time coping with being so young and married; babies were far from my train of thought.
Then October came, and talks in General Conference, I almost felt were specifically written for me, were given. I listened to them with an open heart and an open mind. The spirit prompted me, Ashlee you need to have a baby. I was shocked at this revelation, and scared too, but  I thought maybe I'll try. I had mentioned my feelings to some, who nearly mocked me and told me I was too young, and that I would regret it.  Regret having a baby, really?
Yet, the very human part of me, who does in fact care what other people think on the matter, shied away from the thought.
Then December came, I was running low on my birth control, and had the prompting again. Stop taking the birth control, and have a baby. Once again I was nervous and pushed the thought away.
Then came January, and I witnessed my aunt giving birth to her baby girl. (read about that here.) That's when everything changed. That's when the switch went off in my brain telling me how absurd I was being, and how absolutely nothing else mattered any more. All those silly plans I had for myself flushed away. I had never had a stronger prompting in my entire life, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt what I wanted was a baby, and I was more than willing to try.
My husband on the other hand was starting to have a harder time with the idea, because of me telling him no so often. Finally the last of my birth control was out in March, I asked if he wanted me to get some more, and he told me no. We could finally try to have a baby.
I figured that it would take us a while to get pregnant. Most of the people I had talked to didn't get pregnant very fast; but we did. Most likely even as soon as I quit taking the birth control. I started experiencing all those symptoms, and in my heart I knew I was finally going to be a mommy. Once the test confirmed that, I don't think there has been very many moments where I have been happier. I really did love all of the symptoms, even if they hurt, even if they made me sick, emotional, tired, and angry. I loved it all, because I knew the blessing that would come from it.
Then came the miscarriage, and my heart hurt. Something that I had hoped and prayed for, something I felt so strongly about, and was even prompted to do, was quickly taken away. Everything changed so very quickly. The pregnancy symptoms faded as quick as they came, and my heart ached to have them back.
I did get an ultra sound, and was able to see my baby, but recently they haven't been able to find the only picture of my baby I will ever have here in this life.
It was almost as if none of it had ever happened. Like it was all a dream, and all I had left was the heartache that accompanied it.
Right after having the miscarriage, more trying things happened, some of which I don't feel inclined to talk about, but I felt as if the entire world had been placed on my shoulders. I think that happens with most of life's hardest trials, and I'm not sure, at the moment, that I can give a good reason as to why.
As hard as it's been, as much as I hurt, I do know that everything will be okay, it just takes time. The reasoning for me posting about this so frequently, is so that others who may experience this, will know they aren't alone. It's  because of other peoples stories and testimonies on the matter that I was, and am, able to get through. Trials aren't meant to be kept to ourselves. I know there are so many who say how sick they are of people complaining, but that's not the way that it should be. We should be there for others who are going through a hard time. We should be there for others, and be able to lift them up, and help them through their lives. We experience trials not for our own benefit, but to also help all the others who go through similar things. It's one of the most comforting thoughts in the world to know that you are not alone.
So yes, I will keep posting about this, and I'm sure over time the topic will grow quiet, but I'm willing to share my hardships so others out there, know that everything is going to be okay, and life will go on. Not that you should forget your baby, how you felt, or anything you experienced, but take comfort in knowing that one day  you will see them again.
There is life after miscarriage, as hard as it can be, and I know in my heart that everything will be okay. I hope any of you going through something similar can feel that same way too. 

Dear Baby Post 1

(obviously this is a post I wrote a while ago, there will be a few more of these popping up here and there. I wanted to write letters to my baby every week of my pregnancy and make it into a scrap book of sorts.)
Dear baby,
It's now been a week since I found out we're going to be expecting you. It's been an emotional roller coaster, but I'm so excited. I definitely feel a bit unprepared to be your mom. I had been dreaming, and praying for you for so long, and now that the time is here, I'm just hoping I can be the best mom I can to you.
Mom.
 I'm going to be a mother! How did I get so old?
I can't wait to find out what you are. I think I'm only about 6 or 7 (5) weeks a long. I've been reading week by week calendars so I know how you are growing and developing. Also so I know what to expect.
We haven't been to the doctor yet. We can't go until May 23, which is a month from today. That seems so far away. Do I really have to wait that long to see you? To know if you are doing okay? Oh well until then I will just do my best to keep you safe and healthy.
I've been eating the best I can, doing my best not to overdo it. Surprisingly enough, I'm not super hungry, and have been getting full faster than usual. That seems odd to me but then again all of this is so new!
I've definitely been nausea's. Not to the point of throwing up yet, but it hasn't been too kind. It was the worst it's ever been yesterday, and I'm sure this week it will only continue to get worse, but I can handle this. This is what I wanted; to have you! Everything that happens from here on out will be worth it.
I've also been cramping a lot. That's my uterus making room for you as you grow! It's so very exciting.
I'm not showing yet, just bloated. I'm actually excited to start getting a belly, and to be able to feel you move inside me.
I'm extremely tempted to start buying some baby clothes, but it would be so much easier if I knew what you were. I don't care what you are, girl or boy, I'm just happy to have you, and I already love you and am so protective of you.
Your  daddy and I are anxiously waiting for your arrival, and we're going to do our best to work on what we need to, so that when you come into this world we will be ready.
Even though, I'm sure no one can ever be fully ready. I guess I should say prepared as possible.
I love you little munchkin. I can't wait for all that is in store for us!
Love,
your mommy 

7 Questions

Linking up with Gentri today. I'm hoping to post about my anniversary tonight, because I'm real sad that I haven't. I also have a lot more posts coming up that need to be posted. So stay tuned, and in the mean time enjoy this survey of sorts. 

1. Are you a thrift shopper?
Yes, I love to thrift shop. You get the best finds, and no one else has them. 

2. You just had a very bad dream, what do you do?
With an exasperated sigh open my eyes, look around, realize everything is dark and quiet, aside from the soft snores of my hubby, and I cuddle up to him. 

3. What is your favorite flavor of Ice Cream?
Vanilla, or mint chocolate chip & of course anything with caramel. 

4. What do you do with your money? (spend it, save it, invest it, bury it, etc)
I spend, and try to save. Mostly my spending is done on bills and groceries though :/

5. What was the last quote or statement you heard that really hit you?

6. What do you do when you're driving alone? (ex: dance, sing, listen to talk radio, etc)
Dance, sing, and probably yell and scream at stupid drivers, and construction workers. 

7. Did you watch the premier of Bachelorette? If so, who was your favorite bachelor? 
Bleh. Unfortunately I did. Didn't end up finishing it as I turned it off. I didn't have a favorite, they were all the biggest cheese balls I've ever seen in my life. 

Mother's Day

Mother's day definitely wasn't the easiest day of the year, that much is definitely true.
Yet, I feel that me wining and complaining about how much that day hurt is completely unnecessary. I don't want this post to be all about me, and how hard mother's day was on me. Though it was my first technical mothers day, I don't want to talk about me. I want to talk about my mom. For that's who I was celebrating yesterday.
My mom is loved by so many. She is one of the  most beautiful people you will ever see, and she's that way on the inside too. She loves Mariah Carey, and was the one who taught me to love 80's music, and rock and roll. She is a fashionista, and I find her wearing a new out fit almost every day. (She is probably rolling her eyes by now.) My mom has always been one of my biggest supporters, even if she didn't always agree with my choices or decisions. She is like that with all of her kids. She has an unconditional love for each one of her children, and always tries to treat us all equally; down to making sure we all get the same amount of presents.
My mom has always been my best friend. She is the one person I've always been able to go to and talk to throughout my life, and she has always been there. My mom and I are both feisty... I learned it from her. Which is why when I was at home we definitely liked to argue, but my mom being the amazing mother she is was usually always the first to come and say sorry, and give me a hug.
She is someone who works hard for what she wants, and won't give up. She's recently lost 35 lbs, and that was all from her pure will to get healthy.
She is one of the strongest people I know, having gone through so much, and passed through so much trial and tribulation, she was able to come out the strong beautiful person she is today.
I really couldn't ask for a better mom. She is everything you could ever want in a mom, and I love her so much.
I know it's late mom, but happy mother's day. I can't even tell you how much I love and admire you. I always have, and I always will. Thank you for helping me become the person I am today, I wouldn't be where I am without you.

April 14, 2012

(I decided to make this post happen because it was real, and it was already written before anything happened. Since this is my blog and my story, I think it has a right to be told. I'm sorry if you don't agree with that. )

I don't want to forget this feeling, so I'm putting it down the best I can into words, even before anyone can see it.
We're pregnant.
 It's so strange saying that right now, it really hasn't hit me quite yet. We've been trying for about a month, if that even. I still think that I could be farther a long though. We're going to make an appointment to find out.
I started having a feeling I was pregnant sometime last month. The ladies weren't feeling themselves, and I just felt weird. We took a test and it came back negative. It was so disappointing.
Then this month as symptoms progressively got stronger and stronger, I had a feeling I needed to take a test. I was extremely crampy, like I was going to have my period but it never came. Once again the ladies were feeling very sensitive, and I was just kinda feeling yucky. I wanted to wait though, just to see if I got my period or not. I wasn't sure when I was supposed to have my next period since I had been off of the birth control, so I gave myself and allotted time frame.

Last night Oran was saying that I was being more moody than usual (nice right) and that he really wanted me to take the test. I think he was just starting to get antsy. I told him I would take the test, but that I was scared that it would be negative again. So as per usual we were watching our nightly King of the Hill (our favorite show) and I decided since I had to pee I would go take the test. I went in the bathroom, very nervous, and unwrapped that little stick. I stared at it the whole time after I had finished. Almost immediately, instead of a straight line, a plus sign started to emerge. I started shaking.
 Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh.
 I started to giggle, nervously. I walked into the other room, and showed Oran the stick. "Well, we're pregnant." He looked confused at first, as if he didn't understand what I had just said, then as he studied the stick a goofy smile spread across his face, "Shut up." He then pulled me in for a hug, and I burst into tears. "Why didn't you tell me you were taking it?" He said. I laughed telling him the whole reason I took the test was because he told me to. What a silly guy.

I decided that we needed to be ultra positive and that we should take two tests, just in case. We had to run to the store to grab the other test, but while we were there we found a good way to surprise our parents. We grabbed two pink shirts that said "What happens at grandma's, stay's at grandmas," and we grabbed a picture frame about grandchildren for my dad.
When we got home I took the second test, and of course, once again that plus sign was there in all of its glory.
We told Oran's mom, and grandma first because we were having a family get together today (for a baby shower, how ironic.) We videoed his moms response which was great. She was so excited.

Then once we left the baby shower, we went over to my parents to surprise them. We ended up making some fake game, and gave them their presents that way.  I was so, so nervous to tell my parents. My mom's been telling me since we got married she is too young to have grandchildren. They were both very excited though. I loved how absolutely shocked they were, and how my dad kept saying how cool it was. My little sister absolutely can't wait to be an aunt. She was in such a bad mood until she found out then she started dancing around the kitchen immediately after.

It's all so surreal to me. I feel so small and inadequate, and just hope that I can be the best mom I can be. I'm so scared, not really in a bad way, just in a, not-so-sure-what-to-expect-way.
I know that I am doing what my father in heaven wants me to do. I've had some pretty spiritual experiences telling me that it's what I need to be doing.
This pregnancy is going to be hard, I'm going to have to be so very careful with my diet. Any mess up could seriously be fatal to my growing baby. I got a beautiful blessing tonight, though, from my husband, and it really helped make me feel like I could do this. I know I can do this, and I know that it will be so worth it.
I honestly could care less about what people think. Ya, I'm one of "those" girls. Get over it. I would much rather be one of them, doing what my father in heaven prompted me to do than anything else in the world, and who knows this could be my only chance having a baby with my disease. I'm hoping that it isn't but if it is, then I'm happy with our decision.
I cannot wait for all that is in store for us, and I'm so excited. Maybe once we go to the doctor it will help all of this sink in, but for now just wish us luck!
I'm going to catch some shut eye so the babe, and I can be happy in the morning.

The Hardest Trial

These past few days have been the hardest of my life. It surprises even me that I was able to get through, but I do know that it was because of the strength I was given from my Heavenly Father that I was able to.
I finally feel ready to talk about what's been happening. I decided against posting it in a status on Facebook, it just didn't feel right to me. This is like my journal, so I decided that it was perfectly acceptable for me to write about it here.
I wish that I didn't have to announce it this way... I had so many ideas for when I was going to announce it, but they didn't end up getting to happen.
A few weeks ago, Oran and I found out we were going to have a baby. We were so happy and excited. The baby wasn't a surprise, we wanted the baby, we prayed for the baby, we tried for the baby, and then we were pregnant.
I was so ecstatic, because it happened so fast.
I kept quiet. I didn't want to announce that we were going to have the baby until I went to my first appointment, which was going to be on May 23rd. (I did however tell close family/friends the exciting news)
On Tuesday, I went to the bathroom while I was at work, and noticed some bleeding. It wasn't a lot, but it was enough to terrify me. I started shaking, and praying my heart out, right there in the bathroom.
I quickly went out and text my husband what was happening, and asked what I should do. He told me to call the doctor, and so I did. They ended up being at lunch so I had to wait until they came back. When I finally did reach them, they told me I had to wait for the nurse to call me back. That period of time was so agonizing and stressful, I couldn't focus on anything at work, and decided it would be best to let them know what was going on so that I would be able to leave and go to the doctor. They let me leave early, and after I got a call from the nurse I headed over.
The doctor decided to do an ultra sound. He told me they needed to see if the baby was in the uterus. If the baby wasn't in the uterus it could be Ectopic, if it was in the uterus that was a good thing, if it had a heart beat that would be an even better thing.
We did get to see my little baby in the uterus, so our hope was up a bit. He told me I was about 6 or 7 weeks a long which is what I had suspected. He said that we should go in for a blood test to track my hcg levels, and see if they were going up or if they were going down. If they were going down that would mean I was having a miscarriage, if they were going up then the baby was still developing properly. 
I had to have two different blood tests done, one that day, and then one on Thursday (yesterday). After the blood test we would get our answers.
After I had gotten the first blood test my symptoms just got worse, I was cramping pretty badly, and bleeding much more heavily. I was praying it would stop. Praying for any kind of miracle.
It didn't stop though, it continued throughout the rest of the night and all through the next day. I knew what was ahead for me. I couldn't deny it. My pregnancy symptoms, that I had loved so much, were starting to fade away. My heart told me there wasn't much more time.
I got a blessing from my husband and father. The priesthood really works in wonderful ways.  After the blessing I had a peaceful feeling. Admittedly it didn't last long, I was still so distraught, but the next day I could really feel that blessing wash over me. I could feel my Saviors love, I could feel that He knew exactly what I was going through, he knew my pain and the feeling of despair that I had. In the blessing I was told that my Savior had his arms wrapped around me, comforting me, while I was in so much pain. I really could feel that.
I came to the realization, that if in fact I was miscarrying, which I was almost positive I was, that just meant my baby was too perfect to enter this world. They had a calling on the other side that they needed to fulfill. The amazing thing is, the baby already did so much in the short time that they were with us. I was praying for a miracle, when I had already gotten my real miracle.
Yesterday, I went and had my blood tested again. I was remaining strong, and keeping my head up, although I didn't realize how much it would hurt when the nurse called and told me I had lost my baby.
My numbers had dropped from the 600's down to the 100's, a very significant drop. When she told me this all the walls I had built shattered. I hung up the phone and sobbed, and my husband held me tightly.
Ever since it has been an emotional roller coaster, but I've been told I'm handling it well. Even if every five minutes I can feel tears stinging my eyes.
I know some people may not understand it, and if you haven't ever been through this I don't expect you to. But I am a mom, and I had a perfect child, and I couldn't be more proud. A lot of people have told me that it's better that it happened so early, though I do understand where you are coming from, I believe it still hurts and it is still devastating.
In life, we are all given our trials, I have a firm belief that we aren't given any trial that we are not able to handle. It is a matter of how we handle our trials that makes a significant difference, in our life, and in our salvation. You can either choose to blame God for what has happened, or you can choose to have faith in God, and believe that whatever happens, happens for a reason. One of those choices will ultimately lead to your destruction, and ultimate misery, the other will lead you to happiness, love, and eternal life. I choose the latter.
I know my Father in Heaven is aware of me, I know my Savior suffered in Gethsemane, so that He could be here and understand my pain. I have never felt closer to My Savior or my Heavenly Father. I can feel their love surrounding me, and encouraging me that this is not the end. I will see my sweet baby again someday, but for now they are my guardian angel, cheering us on through this thing called life, and I promise I will do everything in my power so that I can be with my baby again someday. My baby has made me strive to be a better person, my baby has already shown me that nothing in this life is worth fighting or being upset over. My baby has mended relationships I thought I had lost, because those people have sent me so much love, and comforting words, that I didn't expect to hear.
My baby has brought me so much closer even to my loving husband, who is my support, and the love of my life.
Those are just a few ways that my baby has already changed my life, and will forever change my life. I thank those of you for your love and support you have sent me the past few days, your love means more to me than you will ever know. And to all those who have been through this before/or will go through this, know that there is hope, know that all things happen for a reason, even if at the time we can't see the reason for ourselves.

Update

For now, I can't tell you what is going on with me. I'm sure some of you might have wondered from  Facebook. Right now, I don't want to do any blogging of any sort. Especially reading others blogs. It hurts me so incredibly much to read others stories right now. Maybe later you'll be able to understand...
I'll update you soon, but for now I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to be absent from the blogosphere.
If you really want to know what is going on, feel free to message me, understand though, if it takes me a little bit to respond.

Sunday Snippets

Today was a feel good kind of day.
We went to church, and I got just the spiritual nourishment I needed to sustain me throughout the rest of the week.
As much as I love my primary kids, I enjoyed it being the 5th Sunday and being with adults, including my husband, instead of singing songs in primary.
My husband got me addicted to the game hearts, and I played quite a few rounds before going visiting teaching.
My visiting teaching partner gave me a whole tin of rice flour, it quite possibly made my whole day.
I did some dishes. They were starting to take over.
We got invited to have dinner at my grandmas. We had incredibly tasty soups, and cured my longing for Kneeders, which I can never give in to.
After that we went on a calming walk around my grandma's neighborhood. It really was a breath of fresh air.
My mom and grandma made jokes the someday my future children will be feisty like me. I hope for my sake that they are not. I don't even know how my parents handled my crazy self.
We ate a southern dish including banana pudding, and cookies. It's one of my favorites.
& we came home to relax for the rest of the night. You know, after the fact a spider ran past where my head was lying. I'm glad I have my man to save me when I cry out for help.
You hear that Monday? I'm ready for you, and your conniving ways.

Follow the prophet?

Is it just me, or is my husband really starting to resemble former prophet Brigham Young?

People at church have started calling him "Brother Brigham."

Sigh...

I can't wait until he shaves that thing off, but being the patient wife I am, it will do for now.