2.25.2014

Personal Struggle

Recently my life has become a tornado of change. The tornado came in suddenly ripped everything at the roots, and spun it around, and flung it everywhere. It changed my life into a complete and total wasteland. I've thought of starting this post a few times, yet I have never known where to start.
For those who actually read my blog you must have noticed my absence. For a girl who once loved blogging about life, and her feelings, I eventually felt as if there was not a thing in life I'd actually want to talk about or share. I would look at everyones "perfect" little lives; photos of children, baking recipes, make up, perfect relationships, and felt as though my life held no weight. I had absolutely nothing good to write about. Now, I know that is a bad attitude to have, but in the wake of my darkest hours, that was the way that it seemed. It is hard to see the good in a very bad situation.
I'm going to let my walls fall down with this post. I've thought about writing it a million times but didn't know what the best wording would be. I still don't, but life is moving on, and I just feel like I need to let it out somehow. This will be the first time I've actually posted on social media what exactly has been going on in my life recently.
I know many have guessed, made assumptions, whatever, but here is where you will hear the truth first hand.
I'm getting a divorce.
There... I said it... it's out there.
I don't want to write about the details as to why this is happening or what happened. I want to keep what needs to stay personal, and save any feelings on either side from being hurt, but let's just say life hasn't been easy.
In fact, you could say it's been incredibly hard, but that would be an understatement.
I never thought I would be in this situation, ever. I watched people I cared about go through divorce, or at least the after effects, and I swore I would never let that happen to me, and I did fight this for as long as I could. I guess it's true that you should never say never.
I've been back with my parents since September, and life has been a blur since then. I've realized a lot of the person I once was is gone, and I'm trying my best to find a way back to her, but it's been difficult getting to that place.
It has always been my belief a trial, a really hard trial, can either make or break you. It all depends on how you go about it.
In the beginning I imagined myself handling it really well, but I was so wrong. I have not handled it well at all. The trial was definitely breaking me. It was more than I could've ever imagined. It's been hard trying to pick up the pieces and pull together.
But, the most important part is I'm trying. With everything in me, I am trying to get better, and become the person I need to be. As hard as it is trying to move on with life, I'm doing it slowly but surely.
Sometimes there are things in life that pull us far off from our dreams and goals, and it's very hard to find your way back, but if you have faith and follow your heart you can make it. I plan on making it even if it takes me a very long time to get there I will.
 

3 comments:

Hailey said...

you are so strong, and god love's you. you are amazing, keep your chin up darling.

Mikayla said...

You are wonderful. The blogging world needs more of this kind of honesty.

The Mowers said...

I love you Ashlee and I'm so sorry you're going through this.