6.26.2012

A fresh start

It's weird being jobless, and not having a plan other than, Hey! We're moving. I've had a job continuously for over two years (don't judge) and it's hard to comprehend the free time. It has however given me a lot of time to think, as I pack up the things we have accumulated over a years time. So much has gone on in just a small amount of time. My life has changed in many ways that I never expected. I guess that's kind of what happens when you grow up. Not everything you planned on when you were younger is going to happen. It's obvious I'm probably not going to be a homicide detective/forensic scientist/interior decorator/writer/photographer/PA in the ER/cover artist/rockstar. Although, when I was younger, I really thought that I could do all of them. & ya know, maybe if I worked my little patootie to the bone I could. That's not exactly what is on my agenda though.
In truth, I'm not really sure what is on my agenda any more. I've never had anything like this before; a clean slate. A place to start a-new. It's a good feeling, yet a scary one as well.
I've realized for far too long, I have let fear run my life. The fear of change, the fear of being rejected, the fear of not being good enough. I let people's opinions affect me way too easily, and am terrified that I'm always being judged, and maybe I am. But that really doesn't matter does it? So often my mind tells me that is true, that people's opinions do matter, but if I take a moment to sit back, and have a deep conversation with my heart, it tells me that isn't true.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent," Eleanor Roosevelt once said. She has always been someone I adored, because she always seemed so fearless, strong, and confident. That's a person that I would like to be some day. That isn't the case with me currently, but it is definitely something I'm trying hard to work on. I'm done with letting the opinions of others dictate how I live my life. I want to live my life the way I want to live it. I'm going to believe what I want to believe because it's what I feel is right. I'm not going to let other people's opinions affect me, and I will try my best to not let my opinions affect others as well. Too often, especially here on blogs, we mock  things that people do.
You like that band? You wear those shoes? You like that shirt? You write that way?
When you feel a certain way, it's hard not to share your opinion on the matter, but if we really sit back and think about how what we're saying might make someone feel unwelcome by you,  or unaccepted, it shows things in a new light.
Obviously I've made some mistakes in the past, and have done this before, but that doesn't mean I condone it. I believe that we are all human, we all make mistakes, and we all do things that at time might make others feel inferior, and though no one can feel inferior without their own consent, as Eleanor said, that doesn't mean we can't make a conscious effort to take care to not hurt one another feelings.
Life is too short, and it goes by so quickly. I'm already learning this, at a young age. I'm so very far from where I want to be, but I'm willing to try and work on being that person I've so longed to become. I gain strength from my Father in Heaven daily, and ask Him to lead me where He would want me to go. I know for a fact that if I let Him direct my life, I have no reason to fear the paths that I go down, for He is with me.
So here I am, with a clean slate, ready to find my place, my purpose, and my duty. I don't know for certain what that is yet, but I know in time it will come. I'm ready to start new. I'm ready to rid myself of the things that make me unhappy, the things that thwart my progress at becoming a better me. They're not worth the effort to keep in my life. Slowly, but surely, you will see a change in me. This I can promise you. I'm hoping that change will just be for the better.

4 comments:

Jake and Jenessa said...

Thanks Ash, I needed this!

Rae Ann said...

I love your post Ashlee! You have a great way of writing your feelings. Your words have made me stop and take a look at myself. Thanks for always being that special person you are. You are a great example to us all! Love you!!!

Beka said...

I really like this! It takes maturity to start doing what you want because it's what YOU want to do, not what you think others think you should do. Where are you moving to?

Batash said...

Thanks all! Beka, I am moving to West Jordan. Kinda crazy cause I've never been anywhere but Utah county! haha.