The Hardest Trial

These past few days have been the hardest of my life. It surprises even me that I was able to get through, but I do know that it was because of the strength I was given from my Heavenly Father that I was able to.
I finally feel ready to talk about what's been happening. I decided against posting it in a status on Facebook, it just didn't feel right to me. This is like my journal, so I decided that it was perfectly acceptable for me to write about it here.
I wish that I didn't have to announce it this way... I had so many ideas for when I was going to announce it, but they didn't end up getting to happen.
A few weeks ago, Oran and I found out we were going to have a baby. We were so happy and excited. The baby wasn't a surprise, we wanted the baby, we prayed for the baby, we tried for the baby, and then we were pregnant.
I was so ecstatic, because it happened so fast.
I kept quiet. I didn't want to announce that we were going to have the baby until I went to my first appointment, which was going to be on May 23rd. (I did however tell close family/friends the exciting news)
On Tuesday, I went to the bathroom while I was at work, and noticed some bleeding. It wasn't a lot, but it was enough to terrify me. I started shaking, and praying my heart out, right there in the bathroom.
I quickly went out and text my husband what was happening, and asked what I should do. He told me to call the doctor, and so I did. They ended up being at lunch so I had to wait until they came back. When I finally did reach them, they told me I had to wait for the nurse to call me back. That period of time was so agonizing and stressful, I couldn't focus on anything at work, and decided it would be best to let them know what was going on so that I would be able to leave and go to the doctor. They let me leave early, and after I got a call from the nurse I headed over.
The doctor decided to do an ultra sound. He told me they needed to see if the baby was in the uterus. If the baby wasn't in the uterus it could be Ectopic, if it was in the uterus that was a good thing, if it had a heart beat that would be an even better thing.
We did get to see my little baby in the uterus, so our hope was up a bit. He told me I was about 6 or 7 weeks a long which is what I had suspected. He said that we should go in for a blood test to track my hcg levels, and see if they were going up or if they were going down. If they were going down that would mean I was having a miscarriage, if they were going up then the baby was still developing properly. 
I had to have two different blood tests done, one that day, and then one on Thursday (yesterday). After the blood test we would get our answers.
After I had gotten the first blood test my symptoms just got worse, I was cramping pretty badly, and bleeding much more heavily. I was praying it would stop. Praying for any kind of miracle.
It didn't stop though, it continued throughout the rest of the night and all through the next day. I knew what was ahead for me. I couldn't deny it. My pregnancy symptoms, that I had loved so much, were starting to fade away. My heart told me there wasn't much more time.
I got a blessing from my husband and father. The priesthood really works in wonderful ways.  After the blessing I had a peaceful feeling. Admittedly it didn't last long, I was still so distraught, but the next day I could really feel that blessing wash over me. I could feel my Saviors love, I could feel that He knew exactly what I was going through, he knew my pain and the feeling of despair that I had. In the blessing I was told that my Savior had his arms wrapped around me, comforting me, while I was in so much pain. I really could feel that.
I came to the realization, that if in fact I was miscarrying, which I was almost positive I was, that just meant my baby was too perfect to enter this world. They had a calling on the other side that they needed to fulfill. The amazing thing is, the baby already did so much in the short time that they were with us. I was praying for a miracle, when I had already gotten my real miracle.
Yesterday, I went and had my blood tested again. I was remaining strong, and keeping my head up, although I didn't realize how much it would hurt when the nurse called and told me I had lost my baby.
My numbers had dropped from the 600's down to the 100's, a very significant drop. When she told me this all the walls I had built shattered. I hung up the phone and sobbed, and my husband held me tightly.
Ever since it has been an emotional roller coaster, but I've been told I'm handling it well. Even if every five minutes I can feel tears stinging my eyes.
I know some people may not understand it, and if you haven't ever been through this I don't expect you to. But I am a mom, and I had a perfect child, and I couldn't be more proud. A lot of people have told me that it's better that it happened so early, though I do understand where you are coming from, I believe it still hurts and it is still devastating.
In life, we are all given our trials, I have a firm belief that we aren't given any trial that we are not able to handle. It is a matter of how we handle our trials that makes a significant difference, in our life, and in our salvation. You can either choose to blame God for what has happened, or you can choose to have faith in God, and believe that whatever happens, happens for a reason. One of those choices will ultimately lead to your destruction, and ultimate misery, the other will lead you to happiness, love, and eternal life. I choose the latter.
I know my Father in Heaven is aware of me, I know my Savior suffered in Gethsemane, so that He could be here and understand my pain. I have never felt closer to My Savior or my Heavenly Father. I can feel their love surrounding me, and encouraging me that this is not the end. I will see my sweet baby again someday, but for now they are my guardian angel, cheering us on through this thing called life, and I promise I will do everything in my power so that I can be with my baby again someday. My baby has made me strive to be a better person, my baby has already shown me that nothing in this life is worth fighting or being upset over. My baby has mended relationships I thought I had lost, because those people have sent me so much love, and comforting words, that I didn't expect to hear.
My baby has brought me so much closer even to my loving husband, who is my support, and the love of my life.
Those are just a few ways that my baby has already changed my life, and will forever change my life. I thank those of you for your love and support you have sent me the past few days, your love means more to me than you will ever know. And to all those who have been through this before/or will go through this, know that there is hope, know that all things happen for a reason, even if at the time we can't see the reason for ourselves.


Jamie said...

You words bring back similar emotions I felt when I had a miscarriage. It is a truly devastating experience. God does have a plan for you. It's just having faith in His plan and His timing that is sometimes the hard part.
Still praying for you and Oran. Love you!

Chelsea said...

What an inspiring message. Keep your head up. I am so sorry that happened. You will be a great mom someday soon!

steph said...

oh honey! :( i love you. you are so, so strong & such an inspiration to us all. i know you probably don't want to hear how sorry i am or how bad i feel for you, but i do want you to know that you are amazing. praying for you guys!

Mel said...

you are so amazing. I can't imagine going through something like you are, and you have such a good perspective. I admire your strength and courage! <3

Jake & Jenessa said...

Ash, thanks for sharing that. You are going to be a great mom! I love you! keep being strong and my example, k?

Alea said...

This is an amazing post... You are already an amazing mother! I can't imagine what emotions you and your husband are going through right now, but as I read your testimony through this post I know that what you are saying is true! Families can be forever. What hope that brings to my heart. Thank you for sharing your bright testimony. I hope you know that you truly are loved!

Rachey Elder said...

Love you Ash! I am so sorry you and Oran are having to go through this. I agree with Alea, you will be amazing parents! You are such a sweetheart. Love you tons!

Beka said...

OH ASH! I already knew but reading this just brought tears to my eyes. I wish there was some way I could make it better and take away your pain. I hate seeing people suffer! I have seen friends and family members struggle with having children and it breaks my heart because I know you will be amazing parents! You are such an example to me of faith and optimism though. I know that one day (I hope as soon as you want) you will be able to have children and you will have a wonderful family. The Lord is waiting to bless you with everything He has promised you :) Love you girl!