I keep becoming more, and more aware that I am now graduated. It's still an insane thought to me, because at times I really don't feel old enough. Then again, if I look back into my past, I see that I have learned and grown a lot. I have made mistakes, but I have also learned how to fix them. I have had many trials, but I have learned how to be strong enough to get through them. I guess that is what that whole awkward stage of life was for. It's a learning period. A trial period, if you will, that prepares you for the long life you have ahead of you. I know that if I didn't experience everything that I have, I would not be the same person I am today. I would not be able to handle the things I am dealing with now, or even the trials before that. I would be lost. High School was a major learning experience, and as much as I wish I could say I hated it, I am so thankful for it. It brought me closer to my Savior than ever before. Strange to say yes? But if it had not been for high school I don't think I would've learned how much I need Him.
Sophmore year was a trying time for me. It's that awkward transistion from junior high to the big kid school, and I was lost. I had just gotten out of a relationship that summer, and with it lost a best friend. A boy who was a major part of my teenage existance. He was the boy I turned to, when I felt like I had no one else. I relied on him to be there for me, and as soon as high school started... he was gone. Just a distant memory. Yet I was okay. I was determined to make myself known. There were going to be a lot more boys there. A whole new babe pool. I had so many friends to back me up, and I was ready. Little did I know, things were about to change drastically. My best friend, went on to bigger and better things, (the drill team) and abandoned me. Completely gone. Some of my other friends had found new people to hang around, and slowly all my friends started walking away. I watched them go without a clue what to do. I would try to hang out with my best friend and her new dance friends, but they didn't take well to me. I was shunned. I tried hanging out with yet another friend, but her interest in boys was more important to her than having a friend at the moment, and soon she was gone too. In the end I was left with one, from the old junior high gang. Only one. I began to rely on her, as well. When I realized she was taking a different direction in life than me, one that led down a very dark road, I decided it was my goal to help her. To change her. I had to. She would tell me stories of her latest endeavors that would make me squirm. She wasn't doing good things, and slowly, the pain that she had been blocking out I was starting to feel for her. I would try to push her in the right direction, help her realize the changes she needed to make. She would only acknowlege them, but continue to do what she was doing. This started destroying me. I was spiraling down into despair. I had one friend, and she was dragging me down with her. The horror of this hit me one day as I headed to lunch, and realized she wasn't there. Without her there at lunch, who was I to sit by? That was the day I felt truly and completely alone. My heart ached for a friend so desperately. I was lost with no one to turn to. It came to my realization that maybe, it wasn't I who could change my friend, and I wasn't supposed to be playing mom for her. I needed to live my own life, and not try to live hers for her, so slowly I backed away.
Now I was confused, and I didn't know where to turn. My mom began worrying about me. Lots of people did. They could see me being more quiet and reserved. I was trying to find my place in the world, trying so desperately to find a friend. This was when I finally turned to my Savior. I prayed every night for a friend, and for a while I felt as if this was going to be unanswered. When suddenly one day I was sitting in English class next to a girl, who had been there for me since I was in kindergarten. During junior high we had made different friends, went our seperate ways, but always remained close. It hadn't occured to me, until that moment, that she had been my friend for so many years, and never really abandoned me. Hope started to fill me again, and I realized where I needed to go. I will never be able to thank my Father in Heaven for sending me this girl, or the beautiful frienships that came along with her. I was able to make friendships to last a lifetime because of her, and because of my Heavenly Father. This was the year I realized how much I needed my family as well. It had come to my realization, during this time, that even when my friends have gone away, my family is always, always there for me. Heavenly Father blessed me greatly with the family I have, and the wonderful friends I gained through this experience. The beginning of sophmore year was not my cup of tea, but it was a beautiful end to a new beginning. And that is where I will leave my high school tale for now.
To be continued...