A little dose of insanity.

There have been a lot of bad days lately.
I shy away from talking about it on this particular blog for one because I'm afraid of judgement.
I used to pretend I don't care what other people think, but I do.
More than I really should.
It's something about me that is beginning to really bother me.
So I'm working on it.
Another reason is, well, because in the blogosphere everyone seems to be held up to a standard of perfection that sometimes is very unattainable.
I've talked about this before on my blog, and also used it as a reason for writing the personal things that I do. For some reason, lately it's been harder than in the past.
It's also hard, however, for me to read the blogs where they only complain. I feel sorry for them, really, but it also is weighing on a reader.
You should share in the excitement of ones life, and help in whatever way you can in the tough times.
That's what I believe anyway.
So, here I am trying to find a happy medium in the mix of all this.
Sometimes you just have to write it down, in order to feel a sense of relief.
I probably won't go into the complete gory details of my life, ( Okay my life really isn't the walking dead, and isn't really gory so that was a huge overstatement.) but I'm willing to be real.
Some days are harder than others. I think that can be true for a lot of people.
Life isn't always biscuits and gravy. Some days it's more sushi and ketchup, a big batch of worthless.
I have anxiety. It's insane at how bad it's gotten too. I feel like I'm losing my mind some days.
Other days it leaves me feeling completely helpless, feeling like  I can't leave the house, or do things that I used to enjoy. I always think way too far ahead. In fact I'm always over thinking absolutely everything.
I have pretend conversations with myself of what people might say to me in certain situations. More often than not it's negative. I may or may not have just barely thought of things people might say to this post. 
So now you all know how crazy I am. Fun right?
Right now, I am seriously working on me. Working on finding my happy place in life, and doing the things I love, or rather things that will break me out of this funk I'm in.
If you have noticed that I haven't posted on here as much as usual that is probably why.
A lot of times I just don't feel like I have anything worth writing about.
Other days I just want to vent about how upset I am that I confided in people who don't even care to check on how I am doing.
I know that sounds selfish, but that's really just an example of a thought in the past.
So maybe, just maybe I've lost my mind a little bit. It may have gone on vacation, but I'm working on getting it back. Really I am.
The other day my cousin gave me some great advise, that I would like to share with you all, if you too have lost your brains.
"Sometimes I start feeling like I just don't know how to BE you know? And nothing and nowhere helps. And during those times what I like to do is take a long bath. Maybe light some candles, listen to Norah Jones. I like to pull out a Dr. Seuss book. I like to call my mama and just chat. Maybe make yourself a glass of hot cocoa and sip it slowly thinking of all the things you're grateful for. "

Some wise words in my opinion.


Beka said...

Dear Ash, I can relate. I have struggled with anxiety for two years (ish) and I finally went to see a counselor this last August. It is such a hard path I know! I would encourage you to find someone you can talk to- a counselor or even a friend. There are things (coping skills) that can really help! I know how it feels to feel like you are going crazy and no one understands. And you just want to be happy and not worrying all the time. If you ever need to talk I am here for you! I know some what you are going through! And remember, it never hurts to pray :) Love you!

Jake and Jenessa said...

K oh my heck! You hit the nail on the head! This is exactly how I have been feeling about life. I have literally the same anxietys and do the EXACT same stuff. Crazy right? But I got some good advice recently and they told me that my anxiety could be stemming from my self esteem and he asked if I felt confident in every aspect in my life? And I didn't in any part. Spiritual, physically, mentally, emotionally. Everything. So that's what I am working on right now. Food for thought? I love you like crazy and you know I'm just a text or phone call away