8.01.2010

The confusing love triangle

After the break up, I was a lost soul. Something had broken inside of me. I won't say my heart because it is too cliche, but I literally felt broken. Like something was missing, and I went searching for that something. The search only ever lead me back to him. I was longing, almost begging for him to come back, even though I knew somewhere deep down he wouldn't. About two weeks after the break up, some of  my friends started getting love interests of their own. Love interests who also happened to be in our friend group. Everytime we hung out, I would end up being the third wheel. After a very traumatizing break up, I'm sure you can imagine the wounds this opened up. Every time I saw them with their boyfriends, cuddling and holding hands, it would make a sharb jab into my already tattered self. It was worse when the boy himself was there. No, the boy and I didn't stop being friends throughout this break up. In fact we remain good friends today. This may have been the reason why it took me so long to get over him, but I think it was worth it in the end. It's immature to lose someone who was your best friend for so long over a break up, and I'm glad I didn't. Yet, like I said, it was difficult. Seeing him there, even sitting by him, always wanting so much more. So much more that I would never get. The tide started to shift come December. A boy whom I had known since ninth grade decided to make a reappearance in my life. It had been over a year since I had talked to him, but we started up again out of no where. Soon we started texting all the time, and he admitted to liking me. I will admit I was flattered. He was cute, an amazing guitar player/singer, and said the sweetest things to me. I wanted so much to full heartedly return this boys feelings, but I was still stuck on the one, and I couldn't let him go. Everything led back to him. The boy and I hung out, and I wished so much that I could give him more than just my friendship, but I couldn't. I was too battered.
Valentines day approached. This day was a life changing day for me, to say the least. Diana and I had planned a single ladies night for the wretched love day. We decided it would be good for both of us. Unfortunately said boy had also planned something for Valentines day, but I was nervous. I'm not quite sure as to why I was nervous, maybe of falling for him and getting hurt again I suppose. So I told him I couldn't. This upset him more than words could explain, and I don't blame him. I tried to smooth it over, tell him we could do it another time, and he calmed down. The valentines day/single ladies night, was a fail thanks to me. Why you may ask? I invited the boy, whom I couldn't let go, over for our extravaganza.
The whole night I tried, I tried to act like my normal fun happy self. The one I know he fell for, and all for nothing. I retreated to my kitchen to grab something, when I overheard him and Diana talking about his new infatuation. Something died in me right then. I'm not sure what it was, but I lost it completely. I tried to hide my hurt, but it was clear on my face. I was up most of that night. Fighting with the boy who currently liked me, and crying about the other. It hit around 4 am when a sudden thought came to me so quickly I felt completely taken back. How many tears had I wasted on this one boy? How many failed attempts had I tried to get him back? How many months of nothing but wanting him did I waste? I realized then, that this boy was not worth the hurt and pain he had caused me. "Don't fall for someone if they aren't going to catch you" right? My entire view on him shifted at this moment. The next time I saw him, I knew I was completely over him, and I have been since, if that's a question among any of you. I was now free to realize my feelings for the other boy. I realized how much I really did like him, but by the time I realized this, he had also realized all the crap I put him through, and gave up. It was hard getting yet another rejection, but I was stronger this time, and it was definitely not as painful as the last one. Junior year ended with a friendship group beginning to teeter, and fall apart. Relationships being the cause. Let me add as a last note, sometimes... they just aren't worth it.
The continuation of my final year, to be revealed soon!

2 comments:

cai.hay said...

First off, Let's be friends. I'll add you on facebook.
Second, your brother skateboards? Oh i feel good about him. But i have some requirements. tall (above 6' 3'') beefy, handsome

Batash said...

I don't really even know how tall he is, but i'm guessing not that tall. Too bad.